2015 and 2016 in perspectives

I do not recall the last time I blogged about my sentiments. Those words, unlike memories, fade when they are released from the mind, much like the concept of a pensieve in the world of Harry Potter. It is March now, and I have just gotten back home from a shopping trip in Bugis and Orchard Road to buy birthday presents for Felice. I discovered a new stationery/scrapbooking store in Haji Lane called WhenIcreate + Zakka. It sells the cutest cat postcards I've encountered for a while now. I have also tried, for the first time, buttermilk latte. The taste is lingering in my memory, potent and strange while rendering me speechless.

Blogging about my day is the beginning. It functions to ease me into writing once again.

I have considered a fair number of things today - my career, my standing in society vis a vis my education, my lack of personal growth, and yet another likely failed attempt at procuring a partner.

It has been exactly 6 months since I left my previous employment in HR. I spent the first 3 months fallowing and rejuvenating myself, adjusting back to a life with little luxuries and understanding the importance of savings. Those months were precious to my recovery from a toxic work environment. The next 3 months, I've spent them mostly at a student care centre taking care of Primary 4 children in my class. There have been fun and stressful days with the children, but something has always felt lacking. Not in the amount of salary I receive, but in the lack of intellectual simulation. I feel my intelligence slipping, and that to me, is most dangerous of all. It is time to get back on my feet and rejoin the corporate rat race. With any luck, I may make new friends who share similar interests with me. The first challenge to get past is the sending out of resumes and interviews. What sort of company and industry would I like to work for? I do not believe I am suited for a life of HR. I like mingling with colleagues and exchanging ideas, but I love to have autonomy and guidance too. How should I proceed? Days of looking through job portals do nothing to excite me, and yet I am terribly apprehensive about bureaucracy in government related careers. How efficient and effective are the rigorous rounds of interviews? There are certain aspects which cannot be known until a field test is in place.

My health is a growing concern for me this year. I should be exercising. I should be eating healthily. I give myself far too many excuses and too little discipline. I suspect I have an addiction to food. I might even be prone to addictive behavior. I will not know unless I am evaluated, but how good are doctors nowadays? It is a fine balance between monthly expenditures, health and savings. Who am I kidding, health is definitely the most important right?

I should get out there and exercise. Damn.

I've met a girl recently, on online dating, yet again. She is not my type. She is way taller than me, and really into dogs and volunteerism. And yet, I think there is a good potential if we ever get into a relationship. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem very keen on it. I am kind of upset, but I do think I've gotten used to rejection.

If the previous girl I knew exposed me once again to the world of books, this woman made me question my opinion on volunteering, especially volunteerism involving animals.

Hmm. So I've met someone from an online dating website who seems rather interesting. God knows how much time I have wasted trying to figure out what to do and understanding the dynamics of dating and meeting a potential. It's been a long time since I've gotten interested in someone who may actually reciprocate, given how utterly dull most profiles on the websites are. However, my gut feelings are as mixed as her signals, and it isn't the best feeling in the world. At times, it feels like everything is suspended, silently waiting for an answer that may never come. It is the loss of power which disturbs me most. Yet I find it difficult not to think about her, not to find out what she has been doing. Perhaps I am already too invested and need to hold back. Or should I push forward till I have an answer?

Have I not paid enough attention to myself? Or is this something that can be learned to be managed only during situations such as these? It's tough to differentiate when you have not much experience to go on. Maybe I should just, I don't know, go around and experiment with different people. Even if I'm not the type to play around. 

But really, what's wrong with keeping things simple?

Once again, it feels as though it's me against the world. Haha.

It's been 7 months since school ended and I've begun working. I think I've more or less gotten used to working life and learning how to relish the new-found freedom.

Most of all, I'm happy to realize that I've learned to be comfortable with myself, no longer needing validation from others, and no longer caring whether I'm hanging out with someone on occasions such as Christmas and New Year. I have learned to enjoy myself, to entertain my thoughts and to fill my time. Next step though, is learning how to be myself even when the prospect of romance turns up.

It's been quite some time since I've blogged.

Life's has been changing, yet a part of it seems pretty constant as well.

It's a phase called 'growing up'. Learning how to manage my own time and finances, and allocating time for friends, family and my own downtime.

I recall that the first few weeks of work had been disappointing. The feeling of being thrown into a whole new world where everyone else is so attuned to the cycle of work. The feeling of being useless, the first in my life. Where you step into a place that you know nothing about, save for some superficial knowledge. Where you get ordered around like the newbie you are, and by someone less educated than you. Pride is hard pill to swallow and yet it must be done.

Starting from ground zero, where there's not a single person in the office that you can call a friend. Where your friends are all busy with their own lives, moving forward after graduation. It's a lonely place to be.

Now, almost 5 months down the road, it's getting slightly better. I've improved on my room, gotten myself a savings plan and bought a few household items for my family. Taking night courses that the company sent me for, and preparing for the exams. There are many things more to do, to improve. I want to improve my home into something I've always wanted it to be. Beautiful, clean, and equipped with proper facilities that a house should have; decent TV, painted walls, air-conditioning, renovated bathrooms... It's a long way to go.

Dreams... can I reach for them before the basics are there? Dare I do so and risk everything else?

And yet, I feel keenly the passage of time. This sense of urgency within me, to do everything I want to, while I still can.

I, too, am reaching that age where I'm beginning to worry about my parents getting old. Seeing them work so hard day after day, yet knowing that I do not yet have the means to support them. I only wish that they would remain healthy and happy. I push and push at a cracking wall, but tiredness is beginning to set in.

And myself? At times, I wonder if something has died within me sometime during the 2 years prior. It feels as if I've been retrograding emotionally even as I move forward in life. Becoming more of a recluse by the month, especially since graduating. It's a great difference, having school mates and having colleagues. Having vested interests and conflicts of interest. Having politics in the workplace. The continual sense of being judged, and knowing that your job security hangs on tightly on that verdict.

I understand now, things that I have not understood before. Experience is indeed the best teacher. How naive I was, and how naive I still am. Haha. It's too late to turn back time, neither do I want to. Those lessons are hard-earned ones.

I wonder if I have become a better person as a result though.

It's 12.12am on a Monday night. I have a test tomorrow that I have yet to study, and here I am, reflecting on myself.

Time to sleep. If only someone was on my bed to give a goodnight hug... that would be bliss =)

Why are my fanfic muses so active when I'm supposed to be studying for exams? Is this a new method of procrastination??

Writings to do after exams (if I can't find suitable part-time work):
1) Find a way to finish up my existing fanfic stories
2) Write a lengthy Bleach Yorusoi story
3) Continue my unpublished Harry Potter story-in-progress
4) Continue my original story

Exams are coming in 2 days. I've had almost 2 weeks of school free days for revision and I have accomplished nothing of worthy mention, choosing to bury myself in cooking, eating, reading fanfiction and watching dramas. Perhaps it's the combination of an aching back and trepidation of being in my final year of studies and the stress of having to pull my GPA up to the next tier. Perhaps it's the ever increasing irritation at my family; at how my mother will just come home every day, barge into my room and ask me about my sister as if I have extra-terrestrial eyes and senses to know and where she is at any moment in time when she's not at home. Perhaps it's damnable full moon and upcoming time of the month. It's horrible timing to feel the angst now, but it has gathered strength enough to cast an almost constant cloud over me. Am I getting depressed? The betrayal of a friend, and the subsequent loss of another... and the distancing of yet another friend... it's all taking a toll. I feel more alone than ever.  Brandi Carlile is right... Whatever life stories you have, they don't mean anything if you have no one to tell them to. It's not as if I do not have friends who care about me, because I know at least 2 who do, though we do not contact often... But they aren't the right audience. And my family is... dysfunctional at best... I so envy those who have strong familial ties.

Friends that I have formed in school, I have not kept up with this semester because of their tight schedules. It's their final semester. I dread the next where I would once again be lost in a crowd, a kite without strings. I fear failing when it's my turn to find a career, with the economy as it is, and competition's growing stronger every year. Unlike school, where you're always spoon-fed with opportunities, the real world is much more cruel, much more self-seeking. I have but a few more months before this new role is thrust upon me, and I do not feel ready. I have tried to be prepared. But along the way, I have lost sight of my goals and the repercussions are making themselves known. Although it's said that the world is your oyster, but it is difficult to find a spot in this vast world that fits you. For a person like me who feels out of time, where I still believe friendship is something more emotional than practical, where I believe in soul mates, in loyalty and comradeship, sometimes I despair at seeing what I see and feeling what I feel... torn between wanting to trust and wanting to protect myself. I feel like I have lost a lot within these 2 years.. and gained what painful little experience. Proudly though, I'm glad that I have actively done little to cause me regret, save for the decision to give up so easily on my first relationship. Deep down though, I knew it was the right decision to make... and I'm happy to have had a chance at love. I still have hope.

Even if I dropped dead from a stroke due to my borderline high blood pressure, I would have little regret. I have gone to university, getting past all those various barriers of education with my slipshod ways. Been in love. Was loved. Wrote stories for an audience. Experienced work life. Was praised at work. Imparted what little knowledge I have to those younger than me. Learned martial arts. Made good friends. Went on a marine life-based school trip to Australia. Had a crush. Experienced the ugly side of humans. Known a bone-chilling fear. While I have yet to experience the liberation and constraints of being a working adult or gone on holiday trips to see the world, these experiences I have had fulfilled my basic wishes in life. =).  

Typing this out has taken some load off my chest, and I'm feeling much better. Will I manage to pass through with flying colours this difficult period with the limited time I have? Time to sleep and look forward to better and more productive tomorrows.

And here I sit, in front of the laptop, tired and yet revitalized by the short walk home from the MRT station. Today, I think, is one of those rare occasions where you feel you are at a point in life where there is going to be a change. Where something just touches deep within you. These are words formed deep in the heart but do not easily make their way out of the mouth.

I have had the fortune of learning under an awesome mentor at work, and today, is her last day at work while I have 2 more weeks before I leave the organisation to prepare for my last year in school. This is a tribute of sorts, I guess, though it is unlikely that she would ever chance upon it. Her name is Chen Yanying.

What is so wonderful about this mentor of mine? In a short span of 10 weeks, she has taught me many things - knowingly and unknowingly. She has let me observe and try for myself how it is like to walk the line between professionalism and friendliness. She has shown me that the workplace can be a place where you can find some warmth in a den of lions. She has allowed me to sit in at meetings and see firsthand how things really work. She has let me participate and do things that a full-time staff will do; and how she gives credit to me in emails and tries to allow me, an intern, some voice. Her seriousness and capability at work inspires me, and I think I will remember for a long time the look of concentration upon her face while she focused on her tasks. I am in awe with the way she organises her things, and she has shown me how important this skill is, amongst many other things. More than a few light bulbs have flashed across my head in this short span of time, and I am very glad that I have had the chance of knowing her, with her quirky humour, unique cackle of laughter and strong arms (that are just like a man ^^" - she ignored the guy who'd said it). I will miss seeing her in the office; I will miss having the opportunity to ask her about things I am unsure of; but I know clearly that all good things must come to an end someday. Life goes on, regardless. I wish her all the best at her new job, and  most of all, I want to thank her, for all she has taught me. 


I look forward to the next time when I will see her again, probably with some baked goods in hand that she had made with her oven.

Musings.

I am one of the kind, and what I want is to find another one of me. Does it even make any sense?

Learning how to be myself, in a place where everything wants you to be someone else.

Distractions, distractions, go away please,

I've plenty of stuff undone,

And loose ends to tie up.

Oh, but it's always hard to push away a lovely distraction.

Songs worth listening to

Once again.. exams are creeping up on me and I'm feeling down. Where is my rainbow?

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so dependent on tuition for my daily expenses.

Querido diario,

Esta noche he estado pensar muchos cosas, especialmente sobre mi vida ahora. La luna es magnifico pero no es ronda. Me gusta la silencio de la noche porque es un momento bueno que pensado. Ha estado tanto tiempo desde he escrito cualquier cosa en espanol. Verdaderamente, Google translate es mi programa favorita.

Recientemente, he escrito a los dos personas en fridae, y no he hecho muchos deberes. Estoy tan muerto para el examen jueves proximo.

T_T Adios, mi diario.

Tonight, out of curiosity, I read a letter that I'd written on 29/01/2008 but was never sent. Neither had I remembered its existence until some weeks back when I was clearing out my room stuff.

And now, I laugh at the irony of things. And now.... this section of the letter strikes the chords deepest in me.

Where love and pain merge

I choose to forget

For there is no sense

To suffer for what's not possible.

Its funny how things have come to a full circle, and its back to the starting point.

Reading this letter had made me remember things I have forgotten, and a part of myself that was lost is coming back gradually.

Certain things, you gotta deal with it.

Certain things, you gotta learn to let go.

Certain things, you gotta learn the baseline.

Certain things, you gotta learn to accept.

Certain things, are just not compatible with you.

There's plenty of things I have yet to learn. But I'm glad... I feel as if I've grown up a little more now - and I'm glad to realize that I have yet to lose certain qualities that I'd like to keep

=)

Closing a chapter in my life, and I'm looking for an opportunity to start writing the next chapter. Blundering along, saying things the way I see it, searching for new people in my life who can accept me for who I am, who can give me and themselves a chance to discover more about each other.

The bow stretched, the eye trained, the arrow running true.

I've been thinking... perhaps I should get a tattoo of bows and arrows... hmm. (imagines my mom screaming in the background)

The eyes are dry

The heart feels empty

The distance growing longer

The knowledge - slices the heart

The handling - incomplete

The avoidance - creates frustration

I don't know what to do anymore.

It feels like I'm burying everything into work.

The worst kind of feeling is that you want to cry your heart out but tears do not flow; where your heart is bleeding but it is still continuing to pump.

The scars of love

What is the beginning of love? Is it a look? A smile? An innocent touch?

No.

The beginning of love is when you and your beloved one start out on even ground, where both of you are willing to give yourself the chance to know the other person - and to find out how you fare together, no matter how impossible it may seem. The beginning of love is when you want to find out the little quirks that make the other person interesting and the nasty habits which makes the person appalling and to accept that person for who he/she is, without measuring that person up against anyone else you had been in a relationship with. The key idea here is to keep an open mind.

Why are crushes named so?

I believe they are so called because the chances of them crushing your heart with a ruthless rejection are greater than the chances of them reciprocating your feelings. I don't know which is worse - to have your hopes crushed or to have a knife stabbed through your fragile heart and twisted around till everything's mangled. Sometimes the ruthlessness is scary. Perhaps they would just shoot you down before you could even get a word in to present your case and ask them for a chance. Or perhaps they would work in the "smash" together with other heart-wrenching experiences which render you confused, heartbroken and lost.

Well, crushes goes back to the point of even ground. When a person has a secret crush, it is likely that he/she will lower themselves to accommodate the other, at the extent of losing oneself and being tortured mentally and emotionally on a regular basis. That's why an even ground is needed to begin any relationship. So... lose your crushes fast, and instead... tell them before you get too emotionally invested.

I have lips and voice that refuses to say what my head is thinking. Thankfully my hands are standing on the other side of the fence.

Me.

Sometimes, I feel as if control is slipping away through my fingers and it scares me to think of what I would do if I lost control.

Sometimes, I am unable to express what I feel verbally, but when I try to do it through actions... I think it scares people I care about away, because I'll never know where the line is and no one ever tells me. They just run away.

Sometimes, when I hear my parents quarreling, it triggers something that feels like a monster deep within me - like a trauma that never healed and the feeling gets dug out from the deep recesses of my being and I just feel like screaming at them to stop quarreling.

Sometimes, when I see a guy, I get torn between reality and horror, for I know what they are capable of doing, beneath the seemingly innocent front.

Sometimes, when my mom talks about someone, I resent her for it, because I could never tell her what that someone did to me.

Sometimes, I may appear happy, but deep down I know it's just a facade.

Sometimes, something makes me happy - but I don't realize it until sometime later when people have forgotten about it.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should die, who would truly remember me and yearn for my companionship once more? Who would regret not communicating with me more?

There are many actions that people do which I do not understand, and sometimes it makes me feel mind-fucked and I hate the feeling.

What I hate even more is the idea of being forgotten, of being taken for granted, of being taken advantaged of.

Every time I see someone with a relatively happy and carefree childhood, I wonder why mine was the way it is, and why those people still complain about what they already have which I don't.

I spent the majority of my life locked behind the doors of my room, in my own world, just so that I can keep myself sane in the insane world I'm surrounded in.

It is solace that I seek, and the comfort of having someone to anchor me to reality, to life - so that I would have the courage to look forward to the future.

For graduation scares me - ahead lies a gazillion choices in life that I have to sift through.

My sanctuary lies in the silence of the night. Yet, the night brings forth emotions which I do not understand; thoughts that I should not entertain; feelings that I cannot identify.

I cried halfway while reading this.

http://www.ralst.com/DifferentTimeDifferentPrincess.HTM

Sighs... fairytales...

What I have been listening to recently

1. 情无独钟 by Sammi Cheng



2. Alejate by Josh Groban



3. What you want (ft freeway) by LL cool j - Todd Smith



4. Me voy by Julieta Venegas