The eyes are dry

The heart feels empty

The distance growing longer

The knowledge - slices the heart

The handling - incomplete

The avoidance - creates frustration

I don't know what to do anymore.

It feels like I'm burying everything into work.

The worst kind of feeling is that you want to cry your heart out but tears do not flow; where your heart is bleeding but it is still continuing to pump.

The scars of love

What is the beginning of love? Is it a look? A smile? An innocent touch?

No.

The beginning of love is when you and your beloved one start out on even ground, where both of you are willing to give yourself the chance to know the other person - and to find out how you fare together, no matter how impossible it may seem. The beginning of love is when you want to find out the little quirks that make the other person interesting and the nasty habits which makes the person appalling and to accept that person for who he/she is, without measuring that person up against anyone else you had been in a relationship with. The key idea here is to keep an open mind.

Why are crushes named so?

I believe they are so called because the chances of them crushing your heart with a ruthless rejection are greater than the chances of them reciprocating your feelings. I don't know which is worse - to have your hopes crushed or to have a knife stabbed through your fragile heart and twisted around till everything's mangled. Sometimes the ruthlessness is scary. Perhaps they would just shoot you down before you could even get a word in to present your case and ask them for a chance. Or perhaps they would work in the "smash" together with other heart-wrenching experiences which render you confused, heartbroken and lost.

Well, crushes goes back to the point of even ground. When a person has a secret crush, it is likely that he/she will lower themselves to accommodate the other, at the extent of losing oneself and being tortured mentally and emotionally on a regular basis. That's why an even ground is needed to begin any relationship. So... lose your crushes fast, and instead... tell them before you get too emotionally invested.

I have lips and voice that refuses to say what my head is thinking. Thankfully my hands are standing on the other side of the fence.

Me.

Sometimes, I feel as if control is slipping away through my fingers and it scares me to think of what I would do if I lost control.

Sometimes, I am unable to express what I feel verbally, but when I try to do it through actions... I think it scares people I care about away, because I'll never know where the line is and no one ever tells me. They just run away.

Sometimes, when I hear my parents quarreling, it triggers something that feels like a monster deep within me - like a trauma that never healed and the feeling gets dug out from the deep recesses of my being and I just feel like screaming at them to stop quarreling.

Sometimes, when I see a guy, I get torn between reality and horror, for I know what they are capable of doing, beneath the seemingly innocent front.

Sometimes, when my mom talks about someone, I resent her for it, because I could never tell her what that someone did to me.

Sometimes, I may appear happy, but deep down I know it's just a facade.

Sometimes, something makes me happy - but I don't realize it until sometime later when people have forgotten about it.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should die, who would truly remember me and yearn for my companionship once more? Who would regret not communicating with me more?

There are many actions that people do which I do not understand, and sometimes it makes me feel mind-fucked and I hate the feeling.

What I hate even more is the idea of being forgotten, of being taken for granted, of being taken advantaged of.

Every time I see someone with a relatively happy and carefree childhood, I wonder why mine was the way it is, and why those people still complain about what they already have which I don't.

I spent the majority of my life locked behind the doors of my room, in my own world, just so that I can keep myself sane in the insane world I'm surrounded in.

It is solace that I seek, and the comfort of having someone to anchor me to reality, to life - so that I would have the courage to look forward to the future.

For graduation scares me - ahead lies a gazillion choices in life that I have to sift through.

My sanctuary lies in the silence of the night. Yet, the night brings forth emotions which I do not understand; thoughts that I should not entertain; feelings that I cannot identify.