Exams are coming in 2 days. I've had almost 2 weeks of school free days for revision and I have accomplished nothing of worthy mention, choosing to bury myself in cooking, eating, reading fanfiction and watching dramas. Perhaps it's the combination of an aching back and trepidation of being in my final year of studies and the stress of having to pull my GPA up to the next tier. Perhaps it's the ever increasing irritation at my family; at how my mother will just come home every day, barge into my room and ask me about my sister as if I have extra-terrestrial eyes and senses to know and where she is at any moment in time when she's not at home. Perhaps it's damnable full moon and upcoming time of the month. It's horrible timing to feel the angst now, but it has gathered strength enough to cast an almost constant cloud over me. Am I getting depressed? The betrayal of a friend, and the subsequent loss of another... and the distancing of yet another friend... it's all taking a toll. I feel more alone than ever. Brandi Carlile is right... Whatever life stories you have, they don't mean anything if you have no one to tell them to. It's not as if I do not have friends who care about me, because I know at least 2 who do, though we do not contact often... But they aren't the right audience. And my family is... dysfunctional at best... I so envy those who have strong familial ties.
Friends that I have formed in school, I have not kept up with this semester because of their tight schedules. It's their final semester. I dread the next where I would once again be lost in a crowd, a kite without strings. I fear failing when it's my turn to find a career, with the economy as it is, and competition's growing stronger every year. Unlike school, where you're always spoon-fed with opportunities, the real world is much more cruel, much more self-seeking. I have but a few more months before this new role is thrust upon me, and I do not feel ready. I have tried to be prepared. But along the way, I have lost sight of my goals and the repercussions are making themselves known. Although it's said that the world is your oyster, but it is difficult to find a spot in this vast world that fits you. For a person like me who feels out of time, where I still believe friendship is something more emotional than practical, where I believe in soul mates, in loyalty and comradeship, sometimes I despair at seeing what I see and feeling what I feel... torn between wanting to trust and wanting to protect myself. I feel like I have lost a lot within these 2 years.. and gained what painful little experience. Proudly though, I'm glad that I have actively done little to cause me regret, save for the decision to give up so easily on my first relationship. Deep down though, I knew it was the right decision to make... and I'm happy to have had a chance at love. I still have hope.
Even if I dropped dead from a stroke due to my borderline high blood pressure, I would have little regret. I have gone to university, getting past all those various barriers of education with my slipshod ways. Been in love. Was loved. Wrote stories for an audience. Experienced work life. Was praised at work. Imparted what little knowledge I have to those younger than me. Learned martial arts. Made good friends. Went on a marine life-based school trip to Australia. Had a crush. Experienced the ugly side of humans. Known a bone-chilling fear. While I have yet to experience the liberation and constraints of being a working adult or gone on holiday trips to see the world, these experiences I have had fulfilled my basic wishes in life. =).
Typing this out has taken some load off my chest, and I'm feeling much better. Will I manage to pass through with flying colours this difficult period with the limited time I have? Time to sleep and look forward to better and more productive tomorrows.
