I do not recall the last time I blogged about my sentiments. Those words, unlike memories, fade when they are released from the mind, much like the concept of a pensieve in the world of Harry Potter. It is March now, and I have just gotten back home from a shopping trip in Bugis and Orchard Road to buy birthday presents for Felice. I discovered a new stationery/scrapbooking store in Haji Lane called WhenIcreate + Zakka. It sells the cutest cat postcards I've encountered for a while now. I have also tried, for the first time, buttermilk latte. The taste is lingering in my memory, potent and strange while rendering me speechless.
Blogging about my day is the beginning. It functions to ease me into writing once again.
I have considered a fair number of things today - my career, my standing in society vis a vis my education, my lack of personal growth, and yet another likely failed attempt at procuring a partner.
It has been exactly 6 months since I left my previous employment in HR. I spent the first 3 months fallowing and rejuvenating myself, adjusting back to a life with little luxuries and understanding the importance of savings. Those months were precious to my recovery from a toxic work environment. The next 3 months, I've spent them mostly at a student care centre taking care of Primary 4 children in my class. There have been fun and stressful days with the children, but something has always felt lacking. Not in the amount of salary I receive, but in the lack of intellectual simulation. I feel my intelligence slipping, and that to me, is most dangerous of all. It is time to get back on my feet and rejoin the corporate rat race. With any luck, I may make new friends who share similar interests with me. The first challenge to get past is the sending out of resumes and interviews. What sort of company and industry would I like to work for? I do not believe I am suited for a life of HR. I like mingling with colleagues and exchanging ideas, but I love to have autonomy and guidance too. How should I proceed? Days of looking through job portals do nothing to excite me, and yet I am terribly apprehensive about bureaucracy in government related careers. How efficient and effective are the rigorous rounds of interviews? There are certain aspects which cannot be known until a field test is in place.
My health is a growing concern for me this year. I should be exercising. I should be eating healthily. I give myself far too many excuses and too little discipline. I suspect I have an addiction to food. I might even be prone to addictive behavior. I will not know unless I am evaluated, but how good are doctors nowadays? It is a fine balance between monthly expenditures, health and savings. Who am I kidding, health is definitely the most important right?
I should get out there and exercise. Damn.
I've met a girl recently, on online dating, yet again. She is not my type. She is way taller than me, and really into dogs and volunteerism. And yet, I think there is a good potential if we ever get into a relationship. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem very keen on it. I am kind of upset, but I do think I've gotten used to rejection.
If the previous girl I knew exposed me once again to the world of books, this woman made me question my opinion on volunteering, especially volunteerism involving animals.
March 5, 2016
January 19, 2014
Hmm. So I've met someone from an online dating website who seems rather interesting. God knows how much time I have wasted trying to figure out what to do and understanding the dynamics of dating and meeting a potential. It's been a long time since I've gotten interested in someone who may actually reciprocate, given how utterly dull most profiles on the websites are. However, my gut feelings are as mixed as her signals, and it isn't the best feeling in the world. At times, it feels like everything is suspended, silently waiting for an answer that may never come. It is the loss of power which disturbs me most. Yet I find it difficult not to think about her, not to find out what she has been doing. Perhaps I am already too invested and need to hold back. Or should I push forward till I have an answer?
Have I not paid enough attention to myself? Or is this something that can be learned to be managed only during situations such as these? It's tough to differentiate when you have not much experience to go on. Maybe I should just, I don't know, go around and experiment with different people. Even if I'm not the type to play around.
But really, what's wrong with keeping things simple?
Once again, it feels as though it's me against the world. Haha.
January 4, 2014
It's been 7 months since school ended and I've begun working. I think I've more or less gotten used to working life and learning how to relish the new-found freedom.
Most of all, I'm happy to realize that I've learned to be comfortable with myself, no longer needing validation from others, and no longer caring whether I'm hanging out with someone on occasions such as Christmas and New Year. I have learned to enjoy myself, to entertain my thoughts and to fill my time. Next step though, is learning how to be myself even when the prospect of romance turns up.
Most of all, I'm happy to realize that I've learned to be comfortable with myself, no longer needing validation from others, and no longer caring whether I'm hanging out with someone on occasions such as Christmas and New Year. I have learned to enjoy myself, to entertain my thoughts and to fill my time. Next step though, is learning how to be myself even when the prospect of romance turns up.
November 5, 2013
It's been quite some time since I've blogged.
Life's has been changing, yet a part of it seems pretty constant as well.
It's a phase called 'growing up'. Learning how to manage my own time and finances, and allocating time for friends, family and my own downtime.
I recall that the first few weeks of work had been disappointing. The feeling of being thrown into a whole new world where everyone else is so attuned to the cycle of work. The feeling of being useless, the first in my life. Where you step into a place that you know nothing about, save for some superficial knowledge. Where you get ordered around like the newbie you are, and by someone less educated than you. Pride is hard pill to swallow and yet it must be done.
Starting from ground zero, where there's not a single person in the office that you can call a friend. Where your friends are all busy with their own lives, moving forward after graduation. It's a lonely place to be.
Now, almost 5 months down the road, it's getting slightly better. I've improved on my room, gotten myself a savings plan and bought a few household items for my family. Taking night courses that the company sent me for, and preparing for the exams. There are many things more to do, to improve. I want to improve my home into something I've always wanted it to be. Beautiful, clean, and equipped with proper facilities that a house should have; decent TV, painted walls, air-conditioning, renovated bathrooms... It's a long way to go.
Dreams... can I reach for them before the basics are there? Dare I do so and risk everything else?
And yet, I feel keenly the passage of time. This sense of urgency within me, to do everything I want to, while I still can.
I, too, am reaching that age where I'm beginning to worry about my parents getting old. Seeing them work so hard day after day, yet knowing that I do not yet have the means to support them. I only wish that they would remain healthy and happy. I push and push at a cracking wall, but tiredness is beginning to set in.
And myself? At times, I wonder if something has died within me sometime during the 2 years prior. It feels as if I've been retrograding emotionally even as I move forward in life. Becoming more of a recluse by the month, especially since graduating. It's a great difference, having school mates and having colleagues. Having vested interests and conflicts of interest. Having politics in the workplace. The continual sense of being judged, and knowing that your job security hangs on tightly on that verdict.
I understand now, things that I have not understood before. Experience is indeed the best teacher. How naive I was, and how naive I still am. Haha. It's too late to turn back time, neither do I want to. Those lessons are hard-earned ones.
I wonder if I have become a better person as a result though.
It's 12.12am on a Monday night. I have a test tomorrow that I have yet to study, and here I am, reflecting on myself.
Time to sleep. If only someone was on my bed to give a goodnight hug... that would be bliss =)
Life's has been changing, yet a part of it seems pretty constant as well.
It's a phase called 'growing up'. Learning how to manage my own time and finances, and allocating time for friends, family and my own downtime.
I recall that the first few weeks of work had been disappointing. The feeling of being thrown into a whole new world where everyone else is so attuned to the cycle of work. The feeling of being useless, the first in my life. Where you step into a place that you know nothing about, save for some superficial knowledge. Where you get ordered around like the newbie you are, and by someone less educated than you. Pride is hard pill to swallow and yet it must be done.
Starting from ground zero, where there's not a single person in the office that you can call a friend. Where your friends are all busy with their own lives, moving forward after graduation. It's a lonely place to be.
Now, almost 5 months down the road, it's getting slightly better. I've improved on my room, gotten myself a savings plan and bought a few household items for my family. Taking night courses that the company sent me for, and preparing for the exams. There are many things more to do, to improve. I want to improve my home into something I've always wanted it to be. Beautiful, clean, and equipped with proper facilities that a house should have; decent TV, painted walls, air-conditioning, renovated bathrooms... It's a long way to go.
Dreams... can I reach for them before the basics are there? Dare I do so and risk everything else?
And yet, I feel keenly the passage of time. This sense of urgency within me, to do everything I want to, while I still can.
I, too, am reaching that age where I'm beginning to worry about my parents getting old. Seeing them work so hard day after day, yet knowing that I do not yet have the means to support them. I only wish that they would remain healthy and happy. I push and push at a cracking wall, but tiredness is beginning to set in.
And myself? At times, I wonder if something has died within me sometime during the 2 years prior. It feels as if I've been retrograding emotionally even as I move forward in life. Becoming more of a recluse by the month, especially since graduating. It's a great difference, having school mates and having colleagues. Having vested interests and conflicts of interest. Having politics in the workplace. The continual sense of being judged, and knowing that your job security hangs on tightly on that verdict.
I understand now, things that I have not understood before. Experience is indeed the best teacher. How naive I was, and how naive I still am. Haha. It's too late to turn back time, neither do I want to. Those lessons are hard-earned ones.
I wonder if I have become a better person as a result though.
It's 12.12am on a Monday night. I have a test tomorrow that I have yet to study, and here I am, reflecting on myself.
Time to sleep. If only someone was on my bed to give a goodnight hug... that would be bliss =)
December 4, 2012
Why are my fanfic muses so active when I'm supposed to be studying for exams? Is this a new method of procrastination??
Writings to do after exams (if I can't find suitable part-time work):
1) Find a way to finish up my existing fanfic stories
2) Write a lengthy Bleach Yorusoi story
3) Continue my unpublished Harry Potter story-in-progress
4) Continue my original story
Writings to do after exams (if I can't find suitable part-time work):
1) Find a way to finish up my existing fanfic stories
2) Write a lengthy Bleach Yorusoi story
3) Continue my unpublished Harry Potter story-in-progress
4) Continue my original story
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