It's a matter of perspectives

It's been quite some time since I've blogged.

Life's has been changing, yet a part of it seems pretty constant as well.

It's a phase called 'growing up'. Learning how to manage my own time and finances, and allocating time for friends, family and my own downtime.

I recall that the first few weeks of work had been disappointing. The feeling of being thrown into a whole new world where everyone else is so attuned to the cycle of work. The feeling of being useless, the first in my life. Where you step into a place that you know nothing about, save for some superficial knowledge. Where you get ordered around like the newbie you are, and by someone less educated than you. Pride is hard pill to swallow and yet it must be done.

Starting from ground zero, where there's not a single person in the office that you can call a friend. Where your friends are all busy with their own lives, moving forward after graduation. It's a lonely place to be.

Now, almost 5 months down the road, it's getting slightly better. I've improved on my room, gotten myself a savings plan and bought a few household items for my family. Taking night courses that the company sent me for, and preparing for the exams. There are many things more to do, to improve. I want to improve my home into something I've always wanted it to be. Beautiful, clean, and equipped with proper facilities that a house should have; decent TV, painted walls, air-conditioning, renovated bathrooms... It's a long way to go.

Dreams... can I reach for them before the basics are there? Dare I do so and risk everything else?

And yet, I feel keenly the passage of time. This sense of urgency within me, to do everything I want to, while I still can.

I, too, am reaching that age where I'm beginning to worry about my parents getting old. Seeing them work so hard day after day, yet knowing that I do not yet have the means to support them. I only wish that they would remain healthy and happy. I push and push at a cracking wall, but tiredness is beginning to set in.

And myself? At times, I wonder if something has died within me sometime during the 2 years prior. It feels as if I've been retrograding emotionally even as I move forward in life. Becoming more of a recluse by the month, especially since graduating. It's a great difference, having school mates and having colleagues. Having vested interests and conflicts of interest. Having politics in the workplace. The continual sense of being judged, and knowing that your job security hangs on tightly on that verdict.

I understand now, things that I have not understood before. Experience is indeed the best teacher. How naive I was, and how naive I still am. Haha. It's too late to turn back time, neither do I want to. Those lessons are hard-earned ones.

I wonder if I have become a better person as a result though.

It's 12.12am on a Monday night. I have a test tomorrow that I have yet to study, and here I am, reflecting on myself.

Time to sleep. If only someone was on my bed to give a goodnight hug... that would be bliss =)