I feel like I've changed. I don't like the change.

I've been reading through my older blog posts... and I honestly found myself more distant and less emotional (which may or may not be a good thing at all). Perhaps it has something to do with age, experience or something else... but this change is disturbing.

When was the last time I truly laughed and felt happy? I can't remember.

How do I know if a friend is worth my time and effort? I don't know.

People I once knew are now different. But holding on to the belief that the friendship is worthwhile to maintain and keep is becoming more and more difficult. It takes two hands to clap, afterall.

Growing up is what everyone needs to do... but sometimes... that childish innocence and trust is too precious to be lost.

Happy birthday to me~ Technically though, it's already passed. Thanks to all who gave me your birthday wishes! =D Received a cute dolphin wind chime from Wan Mun, and a Mika Nakashima's CD from Astrea and Arthur. Hehe. It's been a great day today, but my feet are dying from the long walk around suntec =X. Having blisters soon. Lols.

Oh, and I got this birthday horoscope from ELLE. Apparently you can only get your own birthday horoscope when it's your birthday because it changes everyday. Hmmm..

Sunday, December 14
Happy Birthday, Sagittarius! Smart, quick and a clever communicator, you struggle to balance your need for autonomy with the requirements of being a team player. The more successful and effective your team is, the more desirous you are to strike out on your own and be really tremendous. Your Sagittarian urge for independence, self-expression and artistic honesty isn't always comfortable with the realities and necessary compromises of group endeavors. You enjoy being alone. You also believe that your views are correct and can be extremely articulate and convincing in most arguments. In fact, you're supremely capable of outsmarting yourself by rationalizing negative or unhealthy behaviors into something less odious. You benefit from daily interaction with others. Other people provide a safety net to keep you from focusing too narrowly on one obsession or another. You're intensely bright and insightful, often able to peer deep into another's soul. Once you recognize weakness, you may lose respect or interest in certain people - mainly because you’re seeking Nirvana on earth. Your expectations are high - for yourself, others and the entire world. Your passions are white hot and likely to boil over and get you into a predicament or two. Some of you push desire past the breaking point and end up addicted to substances, people or activities. What you must have are honest, strong-willed friends who challenge you and see through your many disguises. People smart and strong enough to fit this description are rare. If you're fortunate enough to find one, hang on for dear life. What an adaptable, creative person you are! Whether you’re an entertainer, gifted speaker, or prolific writer, you manage to insert playful, humorous references into most communiques. Mischief is always at your fingertips, giving you a unique persona and an endless amount of curiosity. Your worst enemy is boredom, immediately followed by hours and hours of free time. A restless soul like you can get into a heap of trouble under such conditions. Even though you fight hard to escape any sort of entrapment or limitation, you still require basic guidelines, duties, and structure each day. Without this, you're more likely to get your Ph.D. in self-indulgence instead of literature, religion or philosophy. No matter how hilariously funny and outgoing you are at parties or events, you're actually a creature that craves privacy. You love to learn. One of life's most rewarding moments is when you suddenly, unexpectedly understand something that puzzled you for ages. You can almost feel your brain growing when you finally "get it." Although you may be an excellent teacher or speaker, you prefer research and preparation to the actual time spent in front of others. Aside from your desire for sex, you'd probably be happy living alone, close to libraries, museums, mountains and places of learning. Travel is a necessity. Many of you travel because your career or family demands it, but others travel for sheer freedom, adventure, and escape. With or without formal religious training, you are a profoundly spiritual being. You wisely know that life is a continuum, and are aware and respectful of the spirit world. Although you can successfully navigate in a literal, logical world, you also understand that no matter how successful or erudite you are, there is always more to learn. Even if you appear obsessed with specific goals from time to time, you're in tune with the cycle of life and are likely to take pleasure in the process of living. As optimistic and irreverent as you often appear, you possess a dark, self-critical side that can be quite unforgiving - of yourself. When marriages, partnerships or other alliances end, you tend to experience guilt along with freedom, and self-blame smooshed in with relief. No matter how independent and gifted you are, you may never outgrow your compulsion to please and amuse - one of the key things that endears you to others. Your moods can zoom way up and then collapse into dangerous territory. If you're bothered by extreme highs and lows, talk to your doctor. A researcher, perpetual student, seeker of wisdom and cosmic clown, you accidentally break hearts and challenge others' minds throughout your long, illustrious and productive life.

http://www.elle.com/birthday/

"Some suicides are never recorded."

What a deep statement.. but how true it is.

It's been ages since I last posted up here. Life's been relatively boring without school, and expensive. Prom night was alright, but the programmes could have been more engaging rather than focusing only on those tables near the centre stage. The atmosphere for prom was quite lacking, and the hotel food was so-so, although we had shark fin, steamed sea bass and roasted chicken. Hmm.. The ballroom and service were excellent though.

Went for Arthur's birthday bbq tonight, and I'm currently feeling very wiped out due to the extremely long ride from one end of Singapore to the other. Hahas, it was drizzling, and things were pretty funny. I had 'extra sauce' on my plate a couple of times (bless me if I wake up to stomachaches). Filled myself up with drinks, satay, otah, pineapple rings (dessert), curry, beehoon, fried rice and etc etc. Played dai-dee with Arthur's sec sch friends (who I didn't know at all), went to walk walk with Astrea at the new E!hub and Downtown East shopping area, and went back for food! Saw some of my PAE classmates (from AJC). Played dai-dee with them this time, Jiayi and Willy were like suggesting to us to sit in the toilet (or outside the toilet) to play due to a lack of space. LOL. Had a lot of fun playing with them. Hahas, as lame and funny as ever they are. I missed 20/07!

Can't wait for the 14th of Dec to finally come~ And I don't feel motivated to get a job seeing the state of the economy now..

Interesting stuff that happened today (in summary):
- Me and Astrea petted a very bright and pregnant cat that looked quite young. It was so soft and affectionate.
- We tried out a single branch dessert store called Fondu and it was really value for money. Not to mention it tasted pretty great too. Chocolate stuff were fresh and made to order on the spot.
- The uses of big sticks and branches
- Got scammed by a waitress who said that the 'Golden Strips' had six chicken instead of five (but her service was really good).
- Had a chicken/nachos and cheese moment.
- Saw a foreign worker wearing a polo shirt inside out on the train.

Feeling so screwed recently, especially in regards to the exams.

The papers were really quite tough overall, and I'm praying hard that I can manage to squeeze myself into local universities. Private university fees are too exorbitant for my family to pay for, and I'm starting to consider other paths if the end results are not pleasant. JC life isn't suitable for me, and I've known it since last year... but what to do? I'm feeling sick from cramming notes into my head unsuccessfully. Knowledge shouldn't be forced, it should be appreciated and learnt.

I think... in JC, the only subjects where I felt motivated to learn (and not study or cram) are possibly economics and GP.

Sickening. I hate repetitions, but their occurrences are so pervasive.

A to Z tips on getting myself motivated.

A - Achieve your dreams. Avoid negative people, things and places. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

B - Believe in your self, and in what you can do.

C – Consider things on every angle and aspect. Motivation comes from determination. To be able to understand life, you should feel the sun from both sides.

D – Don’t give up and don’t give in. Thomas Edison failed once, twice, more than thrice before he came up with his invention and perfected the incandescent light bulb. Make motivation as your steering wheel.

E – Enjoy. Work as if you don’t need money. Dance as if nobody’s watching. Love as if you never cried. Learn as if you’ll live forever. Motivation takes place when people are happy.

F – Family and Friends – are life’s greatest ‘F’ treasures. Don’t loose sight of them.

G – Give more than what is enough. Where does motivation and self improvement take place at work? At home? At school? When you exert extra effort in doing things.

H – Hang on to your dreams. They may dangle in there for a moment, but these little stars will be your driving force.

I – Ignore those who try to destroy you. Don’t let other people to get the best of you. Stay out of toxic people – the kind of friends who hates to hear about your success.

J – Just be yourself. The key to success is to be yourself. And the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

K – keep trying no matter how hard life may seem. When a person is motivated, eventually he sees a harsh life finally clearing out, paving the way to self improvement.
L – Learn to love your self. Now isn’t that easy?

M – Make things happen. Motivation is when your dreams are put into work clothes.

N – Never lie, cheat or steal. Always play a fair game.

O – Open your eyes. People should learn the horse attitude and horse sense. They see things in 2 ways – how they want things to be, and how they should be.

P – Practice makes perfect. Practice is about motivation. It lets us learn repertoire and ways on how can we recover from our mistakes.

Q – Quitters never win. And winners never quit. So, choose your fate – are you going to be a quitter? Or a winner?

R – Ready yourself. Motivation is also about preparation. We must hear the little voice within us telling us to get started before others will get on their feet and try to push us around. Remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah build the ark.

S – Stop procrastinating.

T – Take control of your life. Discipline or self control jives synonymously with motivation. Both are key factors in self improvement.

U – Understand others. If you know very well how to talk, you should also learn how to listen. Yearn to understand first, and to be understood the second.

V – Visualize it. Motivation without vision is like a boat on a dry land.

W – Want it more than anything. Dreaming means believing. And to believe is something that is rooted out from the roots of motivation and self improvement.

X – X Factor is what will make you different from the others. When you are motivated, you tend to put on "extras" on your life like extra time for family, extra help at work, extra care for friends, and so on.

Y – You are unique. No one in this world looks, acts, or talks like you. Value your life and existence, because you’re just going to spend it once.

Z – Zero in on your dreams and go for it!!!

Credits from http://www.buzzle.com/articles/motivation-heart-of-self-improvement.html

I first heard this song in Primary 6, where my form teacher for that year, Ms Chua, played this song for my class and urged us on to work hard for the PSLE. Now, I dedicate this song to everyone who's taking 'A' levels this year. Good luck and jiayou everyone!



Each day I live
I want to be a day to give the best of me
I'm only one, but not alone
My finest day is yet unknown
I broke my heart for every gain
To taste the sweet, I faced the pain
I rise and fall,
Yet through it all this much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel, I will feel eternity

I've lived to be the very best
I want it all, no time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance here in my hands

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel, I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be, I will be, I will be free

I will be, I will be free

Life and School

Take note of the date- 17/10/2008. Today marks the end of the normal school life in JC for me. The final hurdle in teenage life is approaching hastily. I'm getting more sentimental by the day.

Life goes on as usual, but it set me thinking.

How many times have I said goodbye in my life? How many people have walked together with me on this path I've taken, and eventually left to pursue their own direction? Life is like that. In the most cliché terms, footprints were left in my heart. On times like this, I think back on the years that have passed, and I miss those good and bad times.

Teachers, I think, are particularly important. You may forget them, forget how they look like, or even their teachings and knowledge... but they have helped shape you into the person you are, and some more than others. Those few selected teachers, as distant they seem to be within a student's mind, are something irreplaceable in the heart.

I wonder, at times, how lonely a person truly is. At the end of the day, we walk our own unique paths, shaped by a unique set of people who have left imprints in us. Separation is painful, for things would never be the same as the past again. What is lost cannot be found again... because people change.

How would it be like to be a teacher? I think it is bittersweet. Bitter because the batch of students who have been with you- sharing in your jokes, amusing you with their cute antics and surprising you with their maturity and depth of thought for someone their age- for these year(s) would leave and possibly never come back again, never to impact your days at work or leave you angry, frustrated and worried. They would go and be gone when they graduate. Nevertheless, they will leave you with fond memories and a sense of achievement, for you have helped them become better persons on their own paths to greater accomplishment. They are baby birds who have grown up and hardened their wings- bound for the sky; this endlessly long cycles of graduation and fresh intakes make goodbyes just harder.

I have once comtemplated on whether teaching was a career for me. Sometime ago, I have decided against it. It is an arduous journey to take, given the amount of time, effort and commitment a good teacher needs to give of herself/himself. The mental stress and sadness makes teaching a sacred job, reserved only for those who understand the essence of it.

School attributes to a large part in our lives. In primary school, I've learnt the term 'separation'. In secondary school, I've learnt the terms 'friendship', 'appreciation' and 'leadership'. In JC, I've learnt something too... they're called 'failure', 'biasedness', 'responsibility', 'back-stabbing' and 'teachers'. It would do me well to remember these lessons, for what continues as life would just be a tough, rocky road ahead.

On the ending note, I have a few lines to add.

Alone if need be, you will change the world.

The relationships and interactions in life are but a passing phase symbolized by clothes - we change them ever so often, throw them away, but we wear them constantly during the journey.

Note to self: Maybe a few years later, when I have an urge to reminiscise about the past, I would chance upon this entry and lament for the past.

Days have been passing by like the fleeting wind. The countdown timer has started, but it is one that is severely flawed. Perhaps it's time to abandon the addictions and embrace the light.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

I've been listening to this song by Meredith Brooks, it's called "Bitch" and I find it absolutely hilarious. The lyrics goes like this:

I hate the world today
Your so good to me, I know
But I cant change
Tried to tell you but you looked at me like maybe Im an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how youd be so confused
I dont envy you
Im a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Im a bitch
Im a lover
Im a child
Im a mother
Im a sinner
Im a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Im your hell
Im you dream
Im nothing in between
You know you wouldnt want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean youll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And Im going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today wont mean a thing

Im a bitch
Im a lover
Im a child
Im a mother
Im a sinner
Im a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Im your hell
Im you dream
Im nothing in between
You know you wouldnt want it any other way

Just when you think you got me figured out
The seasons already changin
I think its cool you do whatcha do
And dont try to save me

Im a bitch
Im a lover
Im a child
Im a mother
Im a sinner
Im a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Im your hell
Im you dream
Im nothing in between
You know you wouldnt want it any other way

Im a bitch
Im a tease
Im a goddess on my knees
When youre hurt
When you suffer
Im your angel undercover
Ive been numb
Im revived
Cant say Im not alive
You know I wouldnt want it any other way

It reminded me of a character in Bleach, and it was pretty amusing how well that character fits into this song. Go Youtube it!

There's nothing much happening in my life right now... except for weekly gym sessions! =P Perhaps I should learn to make more use of the school's facilities while I still can. Hmm...

"The view of the majority is always right. Do you agree?"

The more I see this question, the more depressed I get! Oh nooo.......

Forget... Forget... I shall psycho myself to forget.......

The beauty of ignorance.

A brain that functions as well as your legs do... is it a brain worthy of praise or one of shame?

Sometimes, it is the perspective that one has to take into account rather than the object itself. We may say that something looks aesthetically ugly, but ultimately it is us who make that judgement. There is no value to things but what we tag them with.

Money. Cold hard cash. This is the simplest example I can come up with. Look at that piece of $50 note in your hand. Stare at it. What do you see? The poor sees it as a form of relief. The rich sees it as another form of 'bonus'. You see it as what it can buy you. You attribute it to be equivalent of something you want. Does that mean that money has a physical, real value? Not really.

Imagine yourselves trapped on a deserted island, perhaps one like in the 'Lost' television series. Would you have any need for money? The rhetorical answer, I believe, is no. The tribesman of prehistoric world may see no value in money because they indulge in barter trade. The irony here, however, is that there is no difference between barter trade and cash as both serve as a product of perspective. If your perspective treats money as useless and unwanted, it would remain so. If you hunger for wealth because money satisfies your needs and wants, then money has a value to it. Similarly, if you trade your chicken for your neighbour's duck, it means that you value the duck as something of equivalence to your chicken, and that you value the duck more because you FEEL that you needed a duck more than a chicken. This instinct weigh the importance of something over another by itself is something so intrinsic that it is impossible to stop or realise, simply because it is in Man's nature and we do so without thinking.

The next time you claim something to be unworthy, think- 'this is my perspective and it's important to me; but how much is my view worth to some other person?'

In the dark the dead lay dead on the ground.
In the light the living lay dead in their beds.
In the sea lives are dead in their freedom.
In the air lives are dead in their world.

The man in desperation cries for help.
The man in agony cries for help.
The man in anger cries for help.
The man in himself cries for help.

Let be the man who cries out for he is dead.
Let be the man who cries out for he is trapped.
Let be the man who cries out for hopelessness lies.
Let be the man who be himself live for he must be void.

My handwriting analysis done awhile ago, it is pretty accurate from what I see... Go try it at http://www.handwritingwizard.com/

Vivian is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Vivian will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Vivian an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Vivian is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Vivian is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Vivian doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Vivian will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Vivian's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Vivian slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Vivian can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Vivian is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Vivian basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Vivian is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

One way Vivian punishes herself is self directed sarcasm. She is a very sarcastic person. Often this sarcasm and "sharp tongued" behavior is directed at herself.

Vivian has a tendency to put things off, Vivian procrastinates. She sometimes pretends to be busy, so she will not have to do whatever she is putting off. She is often late to appointments or deadlines. This usually leads to a great amount of effort at the last minute to meet the deadline. Procrastination is an important factor as it relates to her output on the job or at school. Remember, Vivian will put it off until later. Procrastination is easily overcome through a simple stroke adjustment in the handwriting.

Vivian is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

Vivian has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

This is an improved version of my GP Prelims. Did some touch ups, but I still cannot fathom why the examiner claims that I have a lack of real-life examples in the essay.

'History helps us to understand the past, but it does not help us to prepare for the future.' Is this true?

'Learn from history, for it shows us our pride and our faults.' There have always been many common sayings about history whereby history is seen as a tool that helps us to understand our past, and that learning from history would prepare us for the future. What the common person often perceives of history is that it is something objective which records the past. However, this is a misconception about the nature of history as a study of the past. History is mistakenly credited to reflect truth, accuracy and objectiveness when the fact is that history is actually subjective in nature. History is written by historians who are often people in service to the state or simply just people with their own agendas and viewpoints. As such, history is never objective because it is in Man's nature to be bias and to take a stance. Take the Japanese involvement in World War II for example, the victims of the war would write terrible histories about the cruelty of Japanese ; the Japanese would write about their war heroes. In reality, Japan has indeed changed the history of war to omit the Nanjing Massacre by Japanese soldiers in Japanese school history textbooks. Therefore, the study of history is never credible and one cannot hope to say that history helps us to understand the past.

Why is then, that the common sayings about history exist? Of course there has to be some value in history if wise men have continually urged us to learn from it. What we must learn from history is to study trends. While history does not let us understand the past fully, it shows us the consequences of certain motivators (such as power and survival) and we can learn from these lessons. Rwanda's genocide did not happen overnight, and neither did India's plunge in economical status in the 1960s. From history, we learn important lessons on what pitfalls there are, so that we would avoid them in the future. Is this helping us prepare for the future? Yes, undoubtedly so? After all, isn't education from history always important?

What exactly is future? Am I going to die the next minute I step on to the road? The future is an ocean of murky waters, and we are on a wooden boat afloat on it, unknown of the hidden dangers. Future is undetermined. Twenty years ago no one would have known that technology would spread so rampantly. A hundred years ago no one would have thought it possible to travel to space for a leisure trip. We cannot predict the future. The future happens. The future changes from time to time, era to era. History, on the other hand, does not change - it merely accumulates. What we can learn from lessons centuries or decades ago may not apply to reality. Now we face problems of game addicts and threats of computer viruses that cause a loss of important data stored in the complex systems of computers. We face a growing problem of rich-poor divide. Does history prepare us for these? No. We cannot prepare ourselves for the unknown. Even a forward-looking country like Singapore who draws many lessons from history cannot do so. Singapore can only make use of history and other knowledge like economics to predict the future, trying hard to pre-empt disasters, just like how Singapore makes use of the 1997 global recession as a learning point which now enabled her to keep her economy growing even in the present situation of inflation and America's recession. The point to note, however, was that Singapore predicted and foresaw the future. Singapore has an image of the future that was projected based on history and other knowledge areas. Instead of wandering in murky waters, Singapore visualises a bright torch beam shining down at murky waters. Singapore does not prepare for the unknown, but the known - the predicted future, not future.

The subjective nature of history combined with the indeterminate nature of the future makes it difficult to prepare for the future. If we cannot truly and completely comprehend the past, what we learn from history may be misleading. Take the century old battle between Christians and Jews for example, the study of the Bible (which is considered a historical text) deems the Jews as the reincarnate of the devil, and such prejudice has persisted and eventually led to the tragic holocaust. When a group of such people who take texts at face-value without questioning if it is the truth and acts upon what they have learnt from their own 'perceived' lessons, stereotypes occur. Following the onslaught of stereotypes, discrimination would often be developed against what these people perceive collectively as 'threats' and 'impediments' to their future. This does not help us prepare for future, and the biased nature of mis-interpreted history only furthers the cohesion of the world because it highlights differences and conflicts more often than peace and stability.

The real future is elusive and ever-changing. As such, one can never be prepared for it. We can, however, prepare for a future we predict using knowledge and history. Nevertheless, the subjective nature of history and bias of Man makes us prone to misunderstanding our past, and we cannot use history to dictate how we perceive and prepare for the future.

YES! Today marks the end of Prelims after tediously going for school and taking exams for 3 weeks! Whoo hoo! Time to unwind and get all the screws in me loose. Haha.

Theme song from 'Friends' - I'll be there for you - is a great song for some groovy fun~

I'm starting to understand the radio, it's finally tuning into similar wavelengths as me. Interestingly, its antenna didn't survive my torture ^^"

Brand new day, great days ahead~

Finally, it's the end of the second week of prelims. Can't help but feel much more relaxed. I've been turning nocturnal recently, sleeping at about 9 to 11 and waking up early in the morning at 3 to 4am. I think some of my friends think me to be insane. Hahas.

After Tuesday's maths paper 2, that'll be the end of all the horribly gross papers that I have to take.

On another note, econs paper 2 today was mildly horrible, but I was at least quite prepared for it. Unlike the chem paper 2 in the morning where I blanked out on, I definitely have more confidence in econs. It feels great to use the brain in exams for once, instead of staring at questions you know are easy but you can't do. Heh.

I'm pondering if I should take up night running, but I absolutely hate to bathe at night unless it's like wee hours in the morning. Oh, why is my bike broken? Hais.

Darn, I just forgot what was the point I wanted to say.

Horrible mood after a quarrel with my obstinate, insistent, and self-centered mom. For goodness sake, it's over a stupid packet of tissues. GEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's has been a horrid day today. Had econs case study paper in the morning and went to JP for lunch at Long John Silvers. On the way back, I felt extremely ill for god knows what reason, and it was making my mood really bad. On the walkway to the lift, I nearly got KO'd by an incoming bicycle. Luckily the auntie stopped just in time, but she fell off and her stuff in the basket were on the floor. Wanted to offer help, but she seemed to be fine, so I just went on my way to take the lift without saying anything. Geh. Can't help but feel guilty now that I didn't help her, I guess tiredness and bad mood weren't good enough reason for myself.

About an hour ago, I was riding my own bicycle in the park nearby to vent off some boredom and frustration. My supposedly enjoyable and relaxing ride was ruined by some guy who refused to give way during a turn. The wheel portion of the bike went by with no problem, but the handlebar of both my bike and his bike crashed and I fell over. Oh joy. Scraped my lower leg on the rough cement ground and had some abrasions, but it wasn't anything serious. Interestingly, one of the pedals on his bike detached and flew off, while my bike only sustained a crooked handlebar. Hm. I'm still feeling indignant because that was the first time I crashed into someone and sustained injuries. BLEH. What's with me and the problem with bicycles today.

Grouchy. Grouchy. Grouchy. It does not help that tomorrow's paper is on pure maths, something that I seriously have dwindling passion about. Ironically, the course I want to take in Uni considers maths as the only specific criteria. Darn.

Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Vegetable. I. Need. To. Vent. Out. Some. Air.

GAH.

Was trying to practise writing GP essay just now... ended up with only the intro before my brain went dead and refused to churn out anything.

TJC Prelims 2007 GP Paper 1 Qns 2

Do you agree that we live in a dangerous world?

Danger is a term familiar to Man, as it is to all other living creatures on Earth. To label something as a danger, it must first threaten life. To live, in itself, is to challenge danger and risk. The need for competition is inborn in all humans and life, and because competition is present, there will always be insecurities which would subsequently lead to risk and danger when people try to be rid of these insecurities. Danger need not necessarily be direct, such as mortal danger; it can be indirect. A needle dipped in lethal poison and isolated from people is not dangerous, but it certainly has the potential to kill. That needle is thereby considered a danger to others. Since there is life on Earth, and humans are alive, we would forever live in a dangerous world.

Here lies the debris of my experiment in GP essay writing (graded by Ms Lim, and improved upon by me). It's a tad philosophical.

"Only in their dreams can Man be truly free." Comment.

Freedom is a desire that is innate in Man. Ask anyone on the streets, whether they like the feeling of stress, or having to shoulder responsibility, or feeling as if they were bound to time - a slave - helpless to the ticking of the watch, facing a brand new day. Ask again, if anyone would want a life with lesser restrictions, and the choice to not account for their actions. Ask a child, if he would prefer to play or to study; if only he had a choice. Ask an inhabitant of the Great Sahara, if he ever thought of living in a less harsh environment. This is how freedom is expressed unknowingly or explicitly, through a person's thoughts and actions.

The concept of freedom itself may not be actually real. In fact, freedom is an ideal that cannot be exemplified or realised in reality. It is an ideal because people put their faith in it, and wish for it incessantly, even though they themselves may not be aware. It is an ideal because there is no such thing as being truly free; having not to account for your actions and the impact of your actions on others, or not being restricted by any rule regardless whether these decisions are moral or not. It is an ideal also because a hermit living in complete isolation from others cannot claim that his actions in the way he lives does not impact or affect anyone, simply because he exists. Freedom is an ideal, albeit one that seems to manifest in certain societies because it is so sought after, true freedom cannot exist in reality. As such, Man can only hope to be truly free in their dreams.

Your parents first gave you a name, and your country gave you an identification number on your birth certificate when you were born. When you grow up, you are judged based on your merits and demerits - your strengths, intelligence, obedience, jail records - and your success in life is often determined by such factors. Labels. The onslaught of labels slapped onto you since the day you exist contribute to one reason why true freedom does not exist. Each label we accumulate represents accountability. For example, an university graduate who holds a degree in law is expected to be well-versed in the study, and his performance as a lawyer reflects on the credibility and ability of his university to churn out good students. Therefore, he is indirectly accountable for his actions to the university. Such accountability infringes on one's freedom, for he is no longer able to act like he wants to, but is bound by expectations and labels.

When we think of freedom and of a country, the first thing in mind that comes to us is often the United States of America. For Americans, they have long hankered after freedom. Americans are allowed to wield guns, they are allowed the privilege of free speech; but have they attained true freedom? I highly doubt so. Just like any other country, America has a hierarchy system which ranks the President at top and the common citizens at the bottom of the ladder. At each rung of the social ladder Americans have their duties and roles to play for the nation. Although small, the behaviour of one citizen can amass an effect large enough to impact the nation. Due to this effect, laws governing the nation are crucial to survival, and these restrictions (although beneficial to the country and its people) are nevertheless a barrier to Man's desire of being truly free in reality.

Imagine, when you retreat from reality and into your own world of dreams and imagination. You are free to make up stories of knights in shining armour and villains who kill for the fun of it. You see someone you have a crush on in your dreams and you manoeuvre yourself in the position to love that person. You see your nemesis, or the person who caused your parent's death and you kill him there. In your dreams, there are no restrictions, no one dictating that what you do is wrong, that you have failed. Man sees what he wants to, do as he pleases - to many, that is being truly free.

However, there is a question we should ask ourselves; do we not break out in cold sweat after we imagine ourselves killing someone, or feel happy after we had a good dream? My point here, simply, is that while we are free to dream about what we want, reality still hinges upon us in our dreams. Ever since we were young, reality had shaped our mindsets and our morals. Our reactions towards our dreams reflects who we are intrinsically. The shame, happiness, guilt and sorrow we experience after a dream happen because we are bound by reality. Even in dreams we often do not imagine ourselves doing something people term as 'crazy' - like running nude around a city. According to experts, the absence or presence of desires in our dreams often reflect what we want in real life, and since what we had experienced in real life is so hopelessly interwoven by labels and expectations and boundaries and socialised into us, we cannot say that we are truly free even in our dreams because we are eventually accountable to ourselves and what life has ingrained in us. Our heart, and drilled-in morality since young restricts us and prevent people from relishing in their freedom while in the state of dreaming.

The concept of freedom being an ideal, it is therefore impossible for Man to embrace it regardless whether he does so in reality or the dream world. Man is eventually accountable to himself and restricted by his own birth and his innate nature; he cannot be truly free.

Ever tried tried taking on more than you can muster, more than you can complete?

Ever tried burning yourself up on both ends, and ended up with no way out to retreat to?

Ever tried screaming silently to yourself, and ended up getting yourself screamed at?

I think. I think. I think.

Sometimes, there are certain stuff that you have to give up, so that you can concentrate on others and make up schedule fit for humans to keep up with.

Sometimes, trying too hard, too fast, just means that you're on speedway to doom and failure; that you're pushing too much, and you turn out worse than ever.

So, I've been considering. Thinking over, pondering through. Deciding for myself what's best for me.

Words, sometimes, are not effective tools to verbalise our thoughts and feelings.

Other times, touch and the sixth sense do not pick up on the delicate very well either.

It feels cold to bask in the sun, and feels homely to embrace the moonlight.

Where then, is the line between reality and fantasy?

How does someone know if they're in the real world, living and breathing?

How does someone know what is real?

Is it the end of the world, when you touch a cool exterior of a piece of frozen glass and think it to feel so surreal?

Trapped. Suffocating. Can't breathe. Insanity.

It is always easy to make someone cry. To stem the flow of tears, however, might not be so. Is it good then, to be there for someone... ready to lend your shoulders for the person who's sobbing? Is it worth it, to lend your shoulders to someone to bawl- just to look up at the skies and weep silent tears?

Your Birthdate: December 14

People wouldn't take you for a passionate person - and that's where they'd be wrong. You can develop deep emotions quickly, and you're the type most likely to move in with someone after a few dates. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 6 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 3 You are most compatible with people born on the 5th, 14th, and 23rd of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Second post of the day.

Intelligence. What determines who's an intellectual and who's not? I believe that it has something to do with the genes, the way you carry yourself, the way you process information, and the way you speak. You can be an eccentric; you can be a normal person; you can be an arrogant person.

Perhaps you don't feel it yourself. Perhaps all of the above isn't true. Perhaps it's just what others perceive you as. Others who think at a much different level from you, others who do not understand you.

There are some people, whereby no matter how you look at them, they just don't seem intelligent. There are others, whereby upon further inspection, you start to see their values.

Which group do you belong to? The intelligent, or the commoner?

A sense of nostalgia pervades my mind recently, and many memories surface again at the back of my mind. Sometimes, I wonder... How does someone keep in touch with a large group of friends and not stray away from the friendship? Is keeping in touch possible, considering the busy life that many people lead?

Somehow, I've had this urge to see and talk to one person again. Strangely though, this wasn't a person that I was very close to, neither was she someone whom I'd knew for a long time, nor was she a person I'd kept much contact with or someone who's in the same school, or of the same age as me. This is a person who would have otherwise been a stranger to me, if fate did not allow us to chance on each other in the same activity.

Nostalgia... nostalgia... Of life and people we'd known.

Spent a whole day today 'muggin' It's more of a 60-40 with 40 being studying. Hahas. Arthur calls the amount of stuff I'd studied insane, but i think it's what i call 'as nature comes'. Oh well, the procrastinator in me tells me that my brain isn't cut out for wholeload memorising and to take things step by step =)

Tried studying, but it's difficult to start unless u have someone smack ur head over and over again to remind you. Besides that, a good place to study, the weather, and your surroundings affect it a lot too.

Heh...

Whew. I'm feeling so bloated right now, after a large cup of sinful Belgian chocolate at coffee bean and a small portion of frog leg porridge at home for supper =X Been telling myself to work on homework and to revise for maths for the whole day today, but sadly, I was distracted by many stuff. Nevertheless, I shall strive to complete my GP work and study for maths tomorrow at Mac~

Spent a bomb in popular again buying pens. I feel so cheated. The refill for the series for the uniball pen I use for writing is only a pathetic 10 cents cheaper than the pen itself. Geh. Oh well, perhaps I should congratulate myself for helping to save the earth by buying lesser plastic.

The night is cold, and it simply feels so shiok~

Gambatte!

There are some things, that can be captured more perfectly by Chinese than English.

时间过得好快，一转眼就已经是一年半了。恐怕多眨一下眼，就会是年尾了。 每想到自己即将毕业，心头总是刺刺的。接触两年的朋友，这些友谊是珍贵，是无法被取代的。自知生命中并没有不散的宴席，但心中每想到这些与同学之间的回忆及欢乐即将会慢慢的被时间的横流冲淡时，真的希望时间会停止，希望自己永远不会长大。

人心难测，当你开始长大，身边的人好像变得越来越阴险，越来越卑微人与人之间的交情。可悲，可悲啊。

-

I was thoroughly amazed by the ending of the anime A.R.I.A. the origination. This very last episode of the 3rd season was something extremely special. Despite me watching only the 1st season, it was enough to move me to tears... Imagine if you were a person who had watched it from start to end?

Have you ever seen anything that makes you feel bittersweet, and yet you know that things in the future for what you saw were going to be better; that what happened in the past should be treasured preciously as fond memories? Ever thought of how it would be, when someone who had tread the same path as you for a long time takes a different fork in life?

Ultimately... everybody leads their own life and tread their own paths. It is a lonely way to live, but lonely we are for we were born alone and will die alone...

Just bought a new watch today from a store in vivo, and at a cheap price of 10 bucks. It's square, black, and looks really cool to me. It's a sad thing though, for within hours of wearing it I scratched the glass accidentally on something. Bleh. Got to get a screen protector for it...

My sis complains that the watch I got was too simple, but I still think that simplicity is beauty =) Just simply can't stand the sight of the horribly butchered stuff that predominates the fashion industries especially. Something simple, yet elegantly designed in the cutting and shape would definitely be more outstanding to my eyes then those mixed and match collages.

I bypassed a couple directly on my way out of vivocity today, and I thought they were rather sweet. I mean, one of them gave the other a quick kiss on the cheek as goodbye. These are some things like this that just puts a great smile on my face =D

Another cute thing too! Apparently the mega pet store in vivo is selling a puppy Samoyed of 3 months old~ it's really, really, uber cute... too bad pictures of the puppies weren't allowed to be taken. I love Samoyeds, although their long and white fur are really difficult to maintain.. hahas. One day when I move into my own apartment, I'm going to buy a dog~

Been watching a Jap drama 'Last Friends' and I found it rather interesting and heart warming. It's about the life of 5 people living in a shared house and how they intertwine with each other. A warning though, this isn't catered for the close-minded audience as it contains plots underlying with controversial moral issues. It's available on Veoh and perhaps Youtube.

A line in this drama made me think... 'There are some things people don't want to tell others even until they die."

How true this is. It's in the nature of humans to fear rejection, just as it is the nature of humans to be suspicious of others, to need acceptance, to be the best. Sometimes, I think, it is exactly all these innate countenances that make up the fabric of social life.

.............. TBC?

Whew. First post in June.

Unknowingly, one week of the Mid- year holidays flew away right before my eyes. Had a pretty good rest time for the whole week, catching up with some old friends and current ones and spent some time with my family. Tutored my sis, and I need to seriously think about how best to work with her. Bleh.

Today's the start of a brand new week, and it's gonna be a pretty busy one. I uploaded a Google calendar to keep check of the stuff that I have. It's good to have a online copy of it somewhere, just in case I lose the hard copy. I'll probably be updating the calendar with reminders and all, but I have the feeling that it'll probably be mostly blank. Hahas. Perhaps I should go and hook myself up with more activities.

There's a couple of mid-year papers coming up soon, and hopefully I'll be able to focus and concentrate on studying and doing well for them. Needa learn how to love studying and doing homework soon.

Zzz...

坦白说，我开始觉得自己的华文水平渐渐的退步。这令我感到非常苦恼，因为我自小便来自一个以华文为主的家庭，也常把华语当成母语。也许最近比较少接触这个语言吧，句子结构也变得怪怪的，很不顺畅。我承认自己也挺想念上华文课的日子。每当想到即将忘记一个从小学起的语言，心中总会有一种刺刺的感觉。

哈哈，突然又觉得自己好像老了。

Today marks the death of my young, but very precious external hard drive. It's the first item I'd bought with my very first salary that I had gotten from my first experience at work, so it's kind of sad.

More importantly, the hard drive died with all my effort, hard work and precious things in it. My songs, videos, program files, school stuff, contact numbers... everything... is gone.

The long hours that I spent into typing out all my fan-fiction stories have all gone to nought, for the entire folder labelled 'works' is trapped in that failed hard drive. This is the hardest fact for me to accept, for I had just gotten into the mood for writing again yesterday and this had to happen... I'm at a loss for words...

Those stories that I'd lost... they were my heartaches, my emotions, my feelings, my efforts, my works and my pride and joy.... and each of them represented something I wanted to convey.... It feels worse than the death of someone I know.. because ultimately, this death belongs to me and me alone. Ever wondered how you feel if you die?

. . . . . Sometimes... I just hate technology. The irony... when technology is becoming more and more advanced, it seems that it gets worse and worse in terms of quality and shelf-life. Hell... My house's washing machine that's almost 20 years in service is still functioning fine, and the dear hard drive that I bought during December last year is dead!

Indignant.

Finished my GP common test yesterday, and it was relatively okay despite me being at a loss at what I had to do to prepare for it.

For paper 1, a question that was highly similar to the question I did for TCA 4 came out, and I immediately crossed it the moment I saw it. Lols. I'd learnt from my lesson that I shouldn't attempt a question that I did not fully understand for a test. The questions we had to choose from were mostly quite challenging. I spent almost up to 5 minutes deciding on the appropriate question to do and another 10 odd minutes planning it out. Whew.

Paper 2 was slightly harder than any of the papers that I'd done before, especially the AQ which was quite tricky. The summary was okay though =D There were certain parts of the two passages that I had to read and re-read in order to get the point, and time was a little tight. Didn't manage to pull off something good for AQ because I'm still quite unfamiliar with the evaluation for the question. Hmm. I think I'll probably only get a 3/8 if I'm lucky.

Still at home blogging now because people flew my aeroplanes today.. heh. Perhaps I should still go out and chill.

It's called restlessness.

Like a thousand hands ruffling through your hair, your mood shifts with each and every trigger. Your senses prick at every movement, and your mind wanders through the catacombs of possibilities. You are mildly aware of the after-taste, but it is not enough to deter you from the lure of darkness.

You hid in the deepest of all underground tunnels, basking in the familiarity of the abyss. For a long long time you hid, and avoided contact with any creature who went by you. You used to listen to these foreign animals.. thinking how wonderful it would be if you found someone your kind to relate with. At times when you were at it, you would never notice the tears running down your face, nor the know of the laughter you were missing out.

......... TBC

Just a short post before I sleep, and I realise that I'm starting to develop a habit to blogging at times when I should really be doing something else more important. Maybe this reflects my lack of discipline.. hmm.. a slightly disturbing thought.

Was feeling absolutely horrible today, but I can't really fathom why my mood seemed to shift and change like a kite in the wind. I feel a storm in the brewing; and I think it's coming up soon... I don't know what happened, but I am getting quite affected by it. Actually, I can't wait for the holidays to come so that I can recuperate and ease some of my tension.

Screwed up in my last GP TCA before the common test tomorrow. Was trying to comfort myself that I wasn't that bad by putting blame on the question, and then I thought that it was silly and I really should be glad that I had a chance to try out something different. At least now I know what a stupid decision it is sometimes to choose something that you had interest in instead of something common and easy. Or perhaps I should just start bucking up for GP. And Maths. And Econs.

Got to get my life under control, and not let life control me.

Words that are silent,
seemed to echo.
But what I hear,
might not be what you said.
There's a distance,
a growing gap.
I know not why;
I'm facing walls all around.

How I wish that,
I could cure blindness.
Open one's eyes,
to the beauty surrounding them
Open one's eyes,
to the other who takes a backseat

How I wish that,
I could cure deafness.
Let them hear,
the pleading cries of the helpless
Let them hear,
the anguished voice of the lost ones

How I wish that,
I could open people's hearts.
Help them embrace,
the different- the child's voice
Help them embrace,
the diversity of life.

I'm slowly stepping away,
and I know you know it.
I'm inching away;
just so that you'll have more time.
I'm inching away;
every movement brings me regrets that I can't help.
I'm inching away;
so that you could take the first step.

I'm tired.
I'm weary.
I don't know what I can do.
Show me. Tell me. Talk to me.

Poverty is a disaster that the world overlooks. To what extent is it true?

This question just popped up in my head while I was reading up on the natural disasters that were occurring in Myanmar and China. In both countries, they receive either national, regional or international aid (all more than one of them) in rescuing and securing a place for the refugees to settle down and relocate.

And I thought, wow, people are sure generous and caring to be helping those in need. The thought which came to my mind then, was this:

"If a natural disaster or a devastating terrorist attack incurs so much attention and aid from people, why is something like absolute poverty (which has the same effect on people as a natural disaster does) be so overlooked and of so much lesser concern, even if it is a more pervasive and widespread problem?"

I thought it might be that natural disasters brought on much damage to land, property and all things material like buildings/schools etc that made it much more important then addressing the issue of poverty... BUT, I realised that although there were no such form of mass destruction in poor countries or the poorer regions of a country, it is only because there have been nothing much that could have been destroyed that is of 'value' to a nation. Hence, in both cases, the lack of sanitary facilities, power, and all things basic are present to an almost equivalent extent!

I'm perturbed by this question...

It's been a tiring but a relatively good week for me. Fell asleep mainly during econs and maths lecture because I had a lack of sleep for the entire week. Sadly though, I woke up at 9am this morning instead of a later timing that I'd preferred.

I've been wondering about a question. Exactly how 'wrong' are these controvesial issues such as incest/homosexuality/paedophilia?

To me, at least...

Paedophilia is something that I'll never approve of. People who take advantage of a child's innocence to commit such filthy acts for their own satisfaction disgust me. There can be nothing to make this act more acceptable, because the victim in question had been dealt with a heavy blow because of their ignorance and trust of others. The hurt and trauma left over from the incident is a long lasting one, because a childhood hurt costs more than an adult one. Children are vulnerable.

Incest... It depends, I supposed. If 2 perfectly logical adults who happen to be siblings are in love together with each other, I say let them be. If either party is not willing to go through with it, then I think it's time to stop and step into the picture. It is never right for you to enter the picture (that was not yours to begin with) and enforce your perspectives. That's arrogance. What you think to be wrong may not be what others think to be wrong. To interfere in a person's private matters without their permission or consent is a downright despicable thing to do.

On the note of homosexuality, my view still stands. If both parties are willing, get your excruciatingly long nose of other people's business. If a guy gets raped by another guy, the authorities should step in. But it should not be the homosexual behaviour that is judged, but the act of rape itself.

Open your eyes wide. The trauma of a girl being raped by a guy is the same amount of trauma faced if she was raped by a girl. Not only gay people get AIDS, straight people do get AIDS too. in fact, it is often the straight people who do not protect themselves more often that the gay people. Next time when you say scathing words about homosexuals, think about the logicality and validity of your words and accusations.

I really shouldn't be blogging. I have chem, maths, bio and econs homework to do. I really should not be blogging.

GP lesson was rather interesting and thought provoking. A surreal desire for no accountability and total freedom is a view and a desire that's probably innate in everyone. However, the ironic part is that though these desires exist because of the people's existence, it cannot be achieved because of our very existence which conflicts with the ideology. The social structure of civilisation and society has made our lives so intertwined together that even a hermit living in a mountain are still subjected to restrictions on freedom and held accountable for his actions. Hence, to pursue freedom is a foolish one, even though one can hope.

Something is bogging me, and I can't quite place a finger to it.

I'm horrified. I question- am I living in reality? What exactly is reality? In this world, what is real? Suddenly, everything seems to surreal to me. My mind's a fog. It's like I'm living in a dream world that I'm trapped in. Are the emotions that I'd experienced for real? Many stuff appears so fragile to me, just like the evasiveness of a dream such that I'll forget everything when I wake up. The purpose of existence... am i existing? Am I really breathing, living, walking, thinking, talking- or is everything just a part of nothing? Am I alive or simply a walking corpse?

Don't talk to me about Gods or any other higher beings. Preach to me that we're a tiny tank called universe that some major giant manipulates like we do to pet hamsters and turtles and their habitats... and I may agree with it. Tell me that someone created us and we have our lives and paths set for us on the day we were born... and I would ask you to preach holiness somewhere else. I'd always had that firm belief that those higher beings are a figment of imagination constructed by people who need a pillar to lean on and escape to when they need it. I have no qualms about other people believing in it, just don't come telling a skeptic like me to believe in them.

Relationships... I give a bitter laugh at the mere mention of the word. To me, they are more fragile than anything else in the world. Even a newborn baby might just be stronger than these. Too much bad memories, perhaps. Or maybe I'd only remembered the bad ones and forgotten all the good.

Attachment..... it is a human craving and need to be touched. To be touched and cuddled and hugged like you're the most precious thing in the entire world. To feel like you're safe in the embrace- and in the moment you're invincible because you're protected and someone is always to catch you when you fall. What you feel is that you could soar to the highest skies even with broken wings, that you belong somewhere to someone in this cold, lonely world, that you're loved. It's a sad sad feeling to know that you're alone and no one is there for you; no matter how rotten you're feeling; no matter how much you wanted to share the joy of a success; no matter how much you feel like crying; no matter how broken you are...

In fact... there's no word to describe the pain of it... it's something worse that being very sad. It's an extreme that would be surpassed; far beyond the edge of the emotional cliff.

And I confess. I confess that I feel jealous whenever I see friends enjoying themselves and basking in each other's warmth. I feel jealous whenever I see couples being in love. I feel jealous whenever I see families who spend happy times together. I feel jealous whenever people talk about all the branded stuff and goods they have and when they complain that they didn't like what they have. I confess that I had a bad childhood. I confess that I occasionally think that I need to see a counsellor. I confess that I feel unfair at why I was born into a poor family. I confess that I hate to be looked down upon or pitied or being treated as charity. I confess that I hate those expectant eyes that tell me I need to do better because I'm not utilising my full potential. But most of all I confess that I hate people who trample on my pride and manipulate me like a puppet, and people who do cowardly things like backstab simply because they do not have the courage to face up to people for fear of discovering that they may be wrong in their thought or action or to achieve what they can with their own prowess.

I admit. My life is built on ego, pride, expectations and selfish desires, but there's always more to it than what the superficial gives. However, it is exactly my pride, ego and expectations who had made my life's worth now.

What was done to me created me.

There's a delicate balance you have with every person you know. These balances you have make you happy, bored and all things more positive.

You mess up one of them, and it leaves you breathless. Like you're trapped, like you're stuck. Can't do anything, tired of doing everything.

You want to break free, but something is holding you back. Responsibility, accountability, pride... just to name a few.

And then you start getting unhinged- imbalanced in everything you do. You lack motivation, and become argumentative.

The balance gets worse. It's a vicious cycle, just so you know. A very vicious cycle that's hard to break out of. The funny thing is, the world doesn't stop for you alone, so the pressures just keep on piling.

A funnier thing? Through the years, you learned not to be so repressed, so introverted; learned to be honest-- what did that get you into?

It got you into crap, nothing else.

You know you're sick of it. You know you're tired of it. The problem is that this crap is only the beginning of something beyond your imagination.

To put a metaphor, it takes you a long time to grow. To grow tall and taller; you want to stand upright, straight and proud. You are a lovely flower, rising up high above others- but there's always someone who's waiting with a huge pair of scissors nearby. Observing you with jealous eyes, diverting the attention needed for you to continue growing so that you'll stagnate, or even better, allow an opening for the scissors to snip your prettiness away.

You know that. Sometimes though, you just feel like falling and letting others take the glory. Even the largest, strongest rock gets weathered away by the harsh winds and rains.. let alone a lonely flower..

Taking some time off to blog before I enter my slumber once more.

Haven't been feeling well for the whole day, and it didn't help that I was messing around all the dusty boxes in my room and the store searching for a CD.

Finally got back my computer from the repairman, and I'm sad to say that all my previous files in the old computer that wasn't saved into the portable hard disk were all lost. Which meant that my previous msn conversations, some pictures, music and video files were all gone. But what saddens me most is that I'd lost the story that I had worked on for 3 tough days. Only had some remnants of it from what Arthur sent me.

Spent the whole day sneezing while trying to download and re-install programs. The weather being so warm didn't help at all and I was jugging down plenty of water and sweating like mad the entire day.. even now. Heh. If this doesn't signal global warming, then I proclaim that people have lost their perceptive senses to the indulgence of machines.

Hoping that I'm not starting to develop a fever for there's chem SPA tomorrow and I want to do well for it since I know I'd already screwed up my bio SPA. Throat's been feeling a little sore as well...

Subtlety, little signs that point here and there
A fine line between pushing and pulling
Mind games, the worst ever
Energy sapped
Retreat or Pride?
Childish, stubborn irritant in my eyes
Grow up already
I've long passed the line of giving in haplessly

Just a stray thought in my head.

Watched a film during GP for the past few lessons and I can't help but snort at the obsessive stupidity featured. In fact, I think it's hanging on the word insanity.

Oh well, at least it had made me decide on which question to choose and prepare for the next GP TCA.

Is there joy in creation?

Yes, there is.

Spent a majority of my time at home today holing up in my room other than to go out occasionally to get a drink and for dinner. Finally gotten some writing done after a long period of stagnancy. Currently, my head is swimming with many ideas, but there's simply no more energy for the continuation of the creation marathon. I'm feeling quite worn out, but it's definitely time well spent.

Read a story halfway through writing mine as I was feeling a little less motivated. Was actually quite pleased with what I was reading until it started becoming more and more drama. Although I do not fault the author's efforts and the language, I find myself screaming in protest at the draggy plotline. Oh well, guess life doesn't give you everything you want.

My right arm feels so strange, and it hurts when I lift my whole arm towards the air. Wonder if I did anything to it during today's PC or yesterday's Sports Heats for javelin. Hmm.

This, is what I want to blog about.

What do you associate with this picture? Is it a circle? A ball? Earth? A cycle? A line that's neverending?

In my opinion, this represents everything there is.

....

.....

....

Why do I say so?

....

...

....

Tell me, what does not occur in a circle? Where do you not find cycles?

Use your intelligence.

Fault me.

Challenge me.

Mugging.

Frankly, I do not understand the culture of mugging till you puke blood. Nor do I understand the culture of workaholics.

What's the use of memorising words and downloading information to your brain every single minute of the day when you're not - 1. resting; 2. sleeping; 3. eating; 4. studying in school; 5. bathing; and letting it eat into time for yourself?

Sure, there's always a sense of satisfaction when you complete a piece of work, be it homework, project, or an art. But is there satisfaction in completing something repetitive and boring? School work isn't supposed to be crammed in. It's supposed to be something you enjoy, something you understand and visualize, even if the actual experience with the stuff that you learn may be impossible. It is supposed to be learning, supposed to be fun and thought-provoking, not the mindless memorization of words. That is how I think school should be. It should broaden your horizons and give you an insight in the world of knowledge.

If you know a concept, you know it. What's the analogy behind applying the same concept to each question that you do, other than to make yourself go 'oh, crap. Not this same thing again'? True, you may say that with practice comes perfection, but why do we seek perfection? Isn't knowledge enough to satisfy people? Take for example.. If you know how to make a car shine in polish, why isn't it enough? Why do people want it to be so sparkling that it blinds the pedestrians who are on the pavements when you drive by?

Sometimes, I find it really funny. When people teach, they go into a monologue and talk about everything you should be learning about. But when you start doing the homework, you'll get stuck. Why is it the case?

There's only one reason why people get stuck while doing homework, assuming that they are in the mood to do work.

1. They do not know, or understand, what concepts and theories they should use to answer the questions.

And this, is caused by a few reasons:

1. They were distracted when the stuff was taught
2. They did not understand the question
3. The concept was not taught

Reason 3 disturbs me the most. Really.

Because I view learning as a platform for questions and answers to mingle. In answers, questions are found. In questions, answers are found. That must have been the way great scientists and mathematicians and even philosophers worked.

Reason 3... suggests to me that the education we are undergoing is flawed. We have a education system. We have a syllabus to follow, and this has been decided by more educated and able personnel what the new and future generation should study about. This I agree with.

However, why is it then, in schools, the questions that we are exposed to which are set by the teachers in the school itself so unreadable and confusing that we don't know what to do with it? I always mentally give a bitter laugh when a teacher goes: 'you won't be able to do this question as it wasn't taught in the lecture' It is strange that we are given questions to do whereby these stuff are what we did not learn.

I hate this sentence even more.

'It is not required in the syllabus, you don't need to know'

Syllabus?! Good grief. When had learning been limited to a foolish and lame thing such as the syllabus? If I was a teacher, my priority will be to teach students. The syllabus is a strict guideline to follow, but it is a guideline nonetheless. No one can wield a chopper at your neck to force you to stop teaching that is out of the syllabus! (unless what you are teaching is morally or conceptually wrong) It is only irresponsibility, arrogance or a lack of passion that makes a teacher say such words. When students ask proper questions, we know that the answers are important for us in understanding the concept better.

That aside. Despite all the musing, I appreciate the need for a structured education system. Sometimes though, I just wish that people weren't so rigid. Education empowers people, for it is what truly differentiate us from less intelligent animals. I also clearly realize the stark reality of the difference between an educated person and a non-educated person. It's a matter of life and death.

Nevertheless, I question- if there were no high level of technology, does education matter?

Yeah... did theoretical education matter in times like..... AD1000?

阿旺新传主题曲- 十万个为什么

歌詞：

男：
十萬夢兒裡有你
一起闖入穿梭機
與你挽手星海中探險遠飛
女：
若問爲何愛上你
推開關著的心扉
你以愛將千顆傷透心救起
男：
怎麽天天見太陽
東方升接著夕陽
女：
夜與白天分開去細賞
男：
怎麽一天再漫長
心中總有你在場
合：
念掛（女）就似是唯一的傾向
（男）著你如在美夢 我想
Sunshine and love be with you
In rainy days,I shall be with you
Love is no fool
Dreams come true
問問愛會有多闊
原來像那片天高海闊
Love is no fool
Dreams come true
I'd always be with you

...... (uncomplete lyrics)

Yes, this TVB series that's currently still on air on weekdays at 7pm on chn 8 is my current favourite right now. It's a break from all the old-fashioned dramas without a decent character or plot with 阿旺新传. It's just so touching, innocent and honest, something which I think the society now has been lacking in. Not to mention this has one of my most adored actress Jessica Hsuan in it~

I love this song, it's just so cute and dreamy.

P.S - I'm really sad. The group photo I took about 3 to 4 years ago during my sec 2 SJAB days is stuck to a glass panel that's placed atop my table. Can't get it out and I fear that I'll destroy it. Hais.... memories memories memories...

Why do people cry? Is it because they are sad? Or happy? Or simply because they feel like crying?

What makes people cry? Their losses? Their gains? What they could have but didn't get? Their regrets? Why do people have regrets?

Is it then important to comfort someone when they cry?

So many questions, but where do we find the answers? From ourselves or the society?

You can ask these questions again and again, cycle after cycle. Perhaps you know the answer yourself, perhaps you don't. Then again, who really knows the answer? Is there even an answer to such a thing?

I digress.

There's a song I'd like to share with everyone. For those who know who the character is, you'll understand her pain.

Lyrics translation source from here http://eruantale001.livejournal.com/13536.html

And monologues thanks to Amaya.

Katakoi Enka

It was like a spring dream
The cherry blossoms were falling, as I was falling in love
A kind love, an eternal love, a passionate love that threw me in a worrying state of mental darkness

Nureta kami ni sotto
kuchibiru yosete me wo tojite
Namida gundara akan?
I gently lay my lips on
your moist hair and close my eyes
May I not wallow in my sorrow?

Mune wo kogashite oikaketa
Ayakashi mitai ni oikaketa
Itsuka issho ni shinitai wa. Ara,
Yume ni ayatsurare mau koi no hana
I chase you as my heart is set aflame
I chase you as if I were a demon
One day, together we shall go into death. Ah,
The flower of love dances, manipulated by a dream

Kaze ga fuita dake de
Chiriyuku sadame nara
Dakiatta sono hi ni moeteshimaitai
Soshite beni no iro ga asete yuku you ni
Itoshii hito no naka hai ni naritai no
If we were to be set apart
by the mere blowing of the wind
I would set the day that we embraced in flames
And turning into ashes of fading crimson,
I long to disintegrate inside my love

Omoikirenai wabishisa to
Tsutae sobireta wabishisa to
Uchi ga shindara naki haru no? Ara,
Kikeba karesou na katakoi sakura
The wretchedness of persistent thoughts and
The wretchedness of their suppression
Will you weep for me if I die? Ara,
The sakura of unrequited love seemingly withers upon hearing it

Hoshi ga ‘rin’ to nareba
Yomichi wo terasu kara
Omoi ha tomaranai moete moetsukite
Kondo koso nigasanai
Kono mi ga kietemo nigasanai
Once the stars cry out
They will illuminate the night
Irripressible love burns everything into entirety
This time you will not escape
Even if this body were to perish, I will not let you go

This is an old love song which seems to be speaking of me,
since it likes the summer fire and the insects that fly in the flames
And in the same way I want my body to die in the flame of my feelings for you

Kaze ga fuita dake de
Chiriyuku sadame demo
Omoi ha tomaranai moete moetsukite
Kondo koso nigasanai
Kono mi ga kietemo nigasanai
Even if the mere blowing of the wind
Were to set us apart
Irripressible love burns everything into entirety
This time you will not escape
Even if this body were to perish, I will not let you go

Omokage ni youhodo Koyoi midaremasu…
Intoxicated by your countenance, I descend into chaos tonight…

Of Which color is love?
The color of the moon which is reflected on the autumn sea?
The color of pure white snow which decorates our heart?
The color of the cherry flowers which falls in memory of a girl?

Then I will plunge everything in your color.
I love you more than anything else.
Even if the whole world were to become my enemy,
Yes even if it were to treat me of a devil or godess

Here's a youtube link for the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD3jROAvof4

Ahhhh.............. I believe that I'm thickest and dumbest person in the world!!!! x_X I should stop doing stuff without making it process through my head first!

Geh.

I don't know why, but I keep staring about the feedback stuff on PW given to me by Ast on Sat. Yes, I'm pretty sure that I'd spent a total of at least 2 hours looking between the feedback and the WR that was submitted for the A's.

Till now, I wonder if what I'd done for PW really deserved an A. Truth is, when I received the unexpected sms halfway through the Biopolis course telling me that my entire group got an A, my initial reaction was a few seconds of shock, then an overwhelming relief that everyone in my group got an A. It's tough being the leader as everyone looks to you for the direction, and you'll probably take the brunt of it if you screw up the work allocations or neglect to plan... and sometimes it's hard to get the group mates together to do the project as everyone has their own programs.. Then, after that moment, came the slightly hysterical moment of celebrating that my entire group got an A.

Maybe I'm too harsh on myself or something, but I had expected a B for PW personally. Although at that point in time, I felt that the WR we've submitted was perfect... I've realised that the more I stared at it, the more flawed it became. It still remains flawed in my eyes right now. Perhaps that explains why I had been staring at the feedback for so long... I was possibly trying to see from the view of the examiner that what ever was written there on that feedback was present in the WR and not something that the examiner had imagined.

The occasional takeover by the perfectionist in me?

But seriously, I'm definitely glad to know that the group pulled through with an A. Hahas. Congrats to everyone, though it's a lil late.. Lols.

-------------------

That aside, I feel like I've grown up a little more inside over the weekend.

Finally finished the 3 days long course at Biopolis.

Was supposed to be doing on embryonic stem cells, but the course was changed to CNS regeneration and myelination =( Oh well, I understand the change though, the minuscule tube of human embryonic cells easily costs 6 to 8k and as students we'll probably waste most of it away during the experiment =_= (evilness of spillage)

Oh well. Enjoyed the feeling of sleeping from 9pm to 7am for the past three days, as well as taking afternoon naps during the 2hr lunch break in Biopolis. I swear that I love the air-conditioning system there, it's just perfect for cooling your body down and sleeping. The sliding doors for each lab is another one of my favourites too~ It's just so cool. First time I stepped into the lab area, it looked really sterile to me, and was a perfect place to film haunted movies...

Did dissection and extraction of DNA, and running of a PAGE gel cell. Was doing the experiment on p53 proteins and by the end of it, we had to develop a film with our results. Mine had the strangest results as there was a mistake in one of the steps we did. Lols. Definitely learned quite a lot of new stuff. For our bench, we used the lung, heart and brain tissues to make our DNA samples for the extraction.

Went into the dark room today, it was a totally new experience! It's really pitch dark in it, and you could only see faint traces with the installed infra-red lights after a while for your eyes to get adjusted. There's also this circular turning mechanism in place of a door to prevent stray light from entering too.

It was fun taking the Biopolis shuttle bus (yes, shoot me) , it comes almost at every 5 minute interval, so I really liked it. Convenient, and it wasn't too crowded or stinky. Out of the 3 days, I spent two day's worth of lunch eating at the opposite building's food court. The food there wasn't excellent, but definitely much better tasting than some of the food courts in shopping malls. Cheaper too. I had a fish and chips set for only $4.50 (=

Made some friends there, mainly 3 from Bukit Panjang Govt High and 2 from RJC, not to mention bonding with fellow JJ students Shu Qing and Pamela. There was a shy one from Navel Base Sec too. Hahas, discovered another fellow lamer! Spent the extra time after the discussion period today to crap and turn the already cold lab into something colder.

Yep, overall a good break from school and an enriching experience. It has made me learn something important though.. that I'm not going into the science faulty because I wouldn't be able to stand doing the same type of experiments everyday. Business school, here I come!

I think I might miss the tall buildings named after some bio terms. Hmm..

But now, I'm looking forward to my journey around Singapore tomorrow. Hehheh.

I'm gonna turn everyone here into a pedophile. Lols!

He's the latest addition to my household. My mom's babysitting him. Hmm... such an interesting expression.

That's my cousin by the way, and yes, he's on a pink wheeler (do you call that a wheeler?)

~Attack of the cute grins~

Yes, doesn't he look adorable when he smiles like that?

That's him playing with my shirt and trying to get it off his head xD
Candid!

Yep. Been playing with him for a while now... and he eats like A LOT. Geez.

Later~

The sun shines bright... but its warmth fails to reach the troubled heart. A person's smile brings by a minute stab; the thought of that person's smile sends a confused heartache. The reason is not known. Time files by...

Only a temporary numb. Make myself forget. Incapacitate the ability to feel. The ability to walk away unscathed from the battle. Laughing at myself.

Questions. Pondering. Delusions. Illusions.

Wondering. Wondering. Wondering.

It doesn't make sense. Not at all. It shouldn't be.

Or perhaps it does.

Lost. Away. Gone with the wind. Like sand falling through my hands. Slipping away...

Am I at fault?

..... I dislike odd numbers.

That which serves to remind bring forth nothing but endless torture.

How is it possible?
It shouldn't be.
Or maybe not.

But it's the natural course of things. The way nature flows.
Gravity's weight lies downwards.
Miss your footing. Off you roll.
Down the hill and into the dark filthy swamp called failure.

Try and try.
It is simply not enough.
Find the delicate balance.
Between a life and a strive.
Step by step.
Racing through time.

Tick. Tick. Tick.
Flames are licking at my heels.
Though the heart wants the brain denies.
After all, it's mind over body.
But..
Does the mind overrule the heart?

---------------------

Zen. Focus. Function.

Wiped out! This is my March holiday schedule.

Sat - At home helping mom to babysit kids
Sun - Went over to Suntec/town to buy house phone with Silk. Squeezed with the crowd for a pretty long period of time before retreating back to Marina. Went vivo after that.
Mon - Astrea came over to do homework, play with the kids and watch movie.
Tues - Went shopping at Far east! Walked for the entire day from 1 plus to 6.
Wed - Tkd in the morning. Go home bathe and change. Meet up with old friends in town. Too bad that I had to miss their kbox session due to training. Tight schedule day!
Thurs - At home. House arrest. Gonna attempt to crack my head over homework. Maybe do a lil cooking as well.
Fri - Chemistry extra lessons in school. Meet up for GP. Stone.
Sat - Attempt to study maths and GP
Sun - Attempt to study maths and GP

There goes my march hols. Bleh.

A day of relief and what-to-do-next.

After a torturous week of never-ending tests and late days lined up against each other, I can't help but feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Nevertheless, it's only a small one as a greater weight has been placed upon me.

Went back home and conked out mentally, reverting to gaming to clear my mind and feel at ease. House got invaded by 2 kids - one almost a year old and the other nearing pri sch age - wonder if I'll get any peace with three kids at home.. Oh well, at least the youngest one is really cute. Lols.

Got back Chinese A's, and was glad that I didn't get a C. Shall continue to strive harder for the rest! Of course, a little part of me is still shaking my fist at the Oral category which cost me my A. Geh.

Questions fill my head.
Instincts on a rampage.
Screaming voices vibrate.
Shrill shrieks of the instruments.

Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.

Give me back my solitude.
My privacy.
My space.
My freedom.

Get out.
Get out.
Get out.

I can't wait to be rid.
To be cleansed.
Of this abomination.

Independence.

The day where I fall and fail only by my own two hands.

I don't FREAKING need this in my life.

Noticed that this is clogging up with all the spider webs and what nots.. Oh well.

Been to the movies yesterday with Silk to watch L: Change the World. Got pretty much a shock there at JEC during the whole time period I was there. Walked into the main building and within seconds I saw Ah bi, and during the movies it just happens that I was in the same movie and time slot as Astrea and Hui Shin. Lols. After the movie, I went to the washroom and saw Jasmine too. Positively scary? Not yet. I saw Astrea's friend while I was dropping by the library to see some friends mug for their terms.

Talk about a day full of coincidences. Luckily I didn't think I've met anyone that I know in IKEA after that ^^"

Anyway, L: Change the World was pretty good, although the storyline was really cheesy. Every time the main motive for the antagonist's comes up, I don't fail to snort in mirth. Geez... But yes, L was quite funny... It's something worth watching if you have the time and money for some comedy. There's a point to note though... I can't believe that this was actually rated PG with all the disgusting scenes of blood and death. Seriously.

Visited IKEA as they were having some sort of sale going on store-wide and I wanted to take a look at the mattresses there. Then again, all the single size mattresses were sold out. Bleh. Finally bought a cactus after so long.. But I'll still love the one that got stolen the most! I've been searching something like that for like 2 or 3 years... oh well, guess the current one I have will have to do.

Having an insane week starting from tomorrow..

Mon - Econs essay lecture test
Tues - Chemistry class test
Wed - Breather!!
Thurs - Bio Lecture test
Fri - Chemistry lecture test

What a nice schedule of tests lined up... I'd rather have some full blown Common test than this! Grr..